A daughter has grown up – how to accept this fact
Which moment in a parent’s life is the most fearful? The answer is obvious, – when their children grow up. It seems that the baby has just started to talk and eat on his own, and now an adult person sits you down at the table and informs you that he or she has great news for you. This news is great for him.
Heart in the heels, voice trembling, an extinct look of the mom are just right here. On one hand, it is necessary to be glad, because it was bound to happen one day, they need to separate and create their own family nest sooner or later.
But how difficult it is, children will realize it when they become parents themselves.
What do parents have (fears and experiences) in their heads?
- And where will you live, alone or with someone?
- Will you be able to feed yourself, will you have money? How if we give it to you?
- Are you sure? We’re not kicking you out, why did you decide to move out so quickly? Why don’t you think about it one more time?
And a lot of questions like that.
Why is it so painful for Mom?
Well, how else can it be? Mom starts thinking about all the emotions since the very childhood, ups and downs, kinder garden-school-university. First love, conversation until dawn, bad grades and tears of happiness upon graduation. Everything that was called “WE” must exist separately now. In psychology this stage in life is called “separation”.
A mother can argue with her grown-up kid for a very long time, calling arguments that should make her change her mind. But what’s the point? Parents should accept and understand any decision of the child even though it is extremely difficult. Suffice it to say yourself at this age. When you wanted to figure out what you are (what you are capable of) to be responsible for everything that happens in your life. To live, to earn money, to create a family, to hold on, to understand what you want. The comfort zone is great but no one has ever regretted being able to get out of it.
It’s very important what mom should say at this moment. To explain that your home is a place where your child can always go back. A “safe haven” where you can support, wipe her/his tears, and help to make the right decision.
It’s the perfect time for yourself. Some parents seem to wake up at a moment like this. And understand what they haven’t noticed and haven’t done, that they haven’t had much time for themselves, their marital relationship.
We’ve dealt with the fact that the child has grown up and decided to move out from her parents. Now let’s look at situations where mothers have out an idea on this.
What kind of mistakes can moms make towards their daughters?
1. “You must do what I did or what I failed to do!”
Daughters for moms are like their mirror image. They often associate themselves with their child. They’ve lived enough and know exactly what’s best for daughters.
For example, the mother is an accountant. She worked in a violent place all her life, eventually realized herself, and got the highest position. And now she knows exactly how good it is to sit there. Many years working in the same place, stability, and confidence in the future. Daughter, why do you have to be a diplomat and go on business trips? I know what’s better, take it from me.
Or another mom works as a cashier at a supermarket, but she dreamed of being a famous pianist and touring the world, gathering full halls. But her child can’t look without tears at this piano, and can’t understand why she wouldn’t do something she doesn’t want to do?!
And if the girl is determined, not afraid to express her dissatisfaction, then the mother will feel unhappy, thinking that she couldn’t put her daughter on the right path.
2. “I gave my whole life to you, and you can’t even answer the second call in a day”
Mom – is a selfless person, gives and doesn’t wait (doesn’t ask) for anything in return in the ideal sense. But sometimes it happens that the woman is so accustomed to control the life of her little child, and often intervenes in the new life of his daughter. It hurts if the daughter doesn’t pick up the phone, doesn’t tell her anything, and doesn’t listen to advice, or get friendly with a guy whose mom disapproves (because she knows better).
The mother can’t accept that her daughter is already independent and can do a lot of things without her. Some daughters feel guilty, and decide to move back to their parents, quit their job, and break up with the lovely person (who is not perfect for the mother).
In this situation, mothers are better off taking care of their personal life and switching to something else.
3. “You’d better live with me!”
This situation describes the mother’s jealousy of her child with someone else. “No one can love you like your mother.” A woman is ready to get her beloved girl back anyway. She asks her to move back by herself or with her new husband. If the manipulation works, the next step is to criticize her husband and ” to dole out advice” when not asked. The mother mixes up jealousy with a desire to surround her daughter with care without even realizing it.
4. “You chose the wrong men”
Mom knows better how to do it. And it often happens when a mother feels with her intuition that her daughter’s new friend isn’t a match for her. She often criticizes him and tries to impose her daughter’s point of view. Because she has more experience, she knows how the perfect man looks (behaves).
Such comments are good if the young man really cheats on or doesn’t help the girl. The mother understands it’s all because of “the great love” or fear of loneliness. And the daughter doesn’t dare to cardinal deeds, afraid to be bad and abandoned.
In other cases, it’s just an imposition of his opinion. Fear that the daughter is still young and naive, and doesn’t know whom to choose better. In the (worst) result, the young couple breaks up. Other options don’t suit the mother either, the time goes by and the daughter turns 25-27 years old. The mother is already worried about another thing, that her daughter is not married yet, and hasn’t found anybody so far. Although that’s she is the reason for all this. And then mom takes the situation into her own hands and starts looking for an ideal suitor for the girl on her own. It’s also a big mistake: you have two different personalities, your tastes are different and it’s okay.
5. “You are wrongly raising your children!”
Mom’s been through this period from start to finish. She knows all the mistakes, the moments you can avoid. It’s so hard to realize that your child also has a child, and they have to do things differently. This is their family, and they make up the rules of living in it. If a woman is wise, she can find delicate ways to prompt, help, hint. And if a mother is guided by the desire to show herself (her ego) without quarrels, scandals are inevitable. Nobody needs such moralizing, even for free.
We haven’t described all the situations, but we have chosen the most common ones. Here are some tips for moms who will not accept the fact that the daughter has grown up:
- You and your grown-up daughter, these are two different universes. She is not your copy, not your life. That’s the most important thing to understand. The daughter has her own views on life, desires, aspirations, relationships with men. Accept this fact, because you were exactly like your daughter, a girl who wanted to conquer this world, too. If your mother was limiting you in something, imposing her principles, you know very well how painful and difficult it is. Don’t copy that kind of behavior, step over yourself. Give your daughter the freedom to choose.
- Wake up, you’re starting a new life, which there will be more thoughts and time for you and your husband. Or if you’re divorced, take care of yourself! It is time for you to spread your wings and let a new person into your life. Your daughter will be happy that you are doing well, believe me!
- The question of your daughter’s personal life is a very fragile mechanism. With your insistence to help, you can only do harm. Think well before you advise, impose, dissuade. Let your daughter come to you if she needs your support and your wisdom.
- Your relationship is very precious to each of you. You must work together to avoid hurting each other and do your best to be happy! Being a happy and pretty woman is the best example for every daughter.